MY DESIRE TO EAT IN DREAMS
Someone tells me they like me, they aren't you.
Someone tells me they like the words I use, they aren't you.
I sit alone, I want to be held by you and only you.
I want to fall apart, I want to be in pieces.
Where are you? Why aren't you with me?
Why couldn't you like me?
Why didn't you understand me?

There are two reactions to food, the first is bodily, my cells taking the food apart and incorporating it into me, taking the proteins to rebuild my DNA and the fat to lie beneath my skin, creating the shape of my body in space, and the shape which you see me. The person you see is a collection of the food I have eaten only mutated through many systems, many ways of counting and carrying which continue to build me whether I ask to be built or not, were I to want these processes to stop I would need to stop the source, and let the scaffolding begin to take itself apart from the inside.

There is a second reaction to food, the cultural and imaginary. The first time I lucid dreamed I was on a deserted island surrounded by fruit and I could taste the sweetness as though I was awake, so I ate as much as I could, the sweetness perfectly recreated in my mind, and in the dream my body grew and became fat but I knew that it was all imaginary, and when I woke up everything would be the same. My most memorable orgasms happen in dreams, the reaction building and climaxing and I know that it is imaginary, and actually when I wake up, nothing will have changed. Things are better imaginary, or in dreams, where there are no consequences. I eat and change my body and yet the next day you see me the same. But imagine if the dream were real, if I would eat in the real world and my body transform, and you would see my actions reflected in my body, and know what I had done.

Imagine if you were with me when I climaxed and saw it and remembered it, saw me from a vantage point I cannot control. Even masturbating is much worse than coming in a dream, because my body cannot change when I want, I cannot make myself any shape, and afterwards the real world changes.

I would rather hide the release of eating in dreams where you cannot see it, the place where my body shifts and molds easily and there is no delayed, prolonged reaction, aging, as I take in what has happened, and show it all to you.